Church!
For several years I've been amused by the CHURCH road signs. I think this is primarily a small town Texas thing, as I don't recall seeing the signs anywhere else (granted, churches themselves can be considered sort of a small town Texas thing, from a bible-belt perspective, so there may be a confound variable in play).
Anyway, on a road trip from Dallas to Lubbock several years back, it occurred to me upon seeing one of these CHURCH signs that they're yellow. You may say that's obvious to any non-colorblind individual who views them, but I'd answer to think about that for just a moment, compared to signs for other similar establishments.
Hospital? Blue. It's sort of a one-of-a-kind sign, actually.
Park? Brown.
Historical marker? Brown.
Government office? Green.
Other building of interest? Green.
Just about any other building period? Green.
But no, unlike any of those, the churches share a bright yellow diamond warning sign with such messages as WATCH FOR WATER ON ROAD, and SLIPPERY WHEN WET, and CHILDREN CROSSING, and SIGNAL AHEAD. The concept is nearly as delightfully offensive as those punctuationally ambiguous signs which read SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY. Because, yeah, the quick ones are harder to hit unless you're trying, and no one wants to go down in the books for mowing down a retarded kid. ("Sir? It says here that you had a charge of manslaughter of a developmentally challenged child?" "Yeah, what can I say? I didn't see the SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY sign and was driving too fast. That little retard must've bounced about 30 yards before his helmet got hung on the guardrail....")
Anyway, all poor-taste tangents aside and back to the CHURCH sign, it's kind of amusing to think of a little flagman shouting at cars, "Church ahead, folks! You might want to turn back if you're not secure in your faith! Watch for falling angels! Steep grade to hell ahead! Dead end road without Jesus!"
I figure the serious rationale for the sign is a warning to Sunday morning motorists that their pleasant traffic-free driving experience is about to suddenly change, and to slow down and watch for a crowd of sleepy churchgoers wandering around, but you never know, right? It could be a general open-ended lifestyle warning, take from it what you will — like, say your prayers, ditch your porn and booze, watch your cursing, and drive carefully.
* * *
For a visual aid to all this (and possibly to prove to everyone that I wasn't hallucinating when driving for hours under the hot Texas sun), I went searching on some comprehensive US roadsign websites for an example image of the CHURCH sign, and could find no such thing. Though I'm not ready to concede that it may be a sign from God (no pun intended), I did find another new favorite roadsign:
Yeah, where would we be without a JACKASS ON ROAD warning sign? You'd think these would be everywhere right? Unfortunately, only in Arizona, it turns out, can you actually find this propitious warning of donkeydom, so I guess the rest of us will just have to continue to stay on the lookout for meandering, non-turn-signaling drivers on cellphones, without any help from the powers that be.
* * *
Regardless of all that, the point I was originally hoping to get around to (man, I'm so going to hell for that retard joke — I'll need to figure out a way to make up for that), was that, when I left home this afternoon to satisfy a coleslaw craving I was having (Yes, it's weird. If I were a girl I might be pregnant, but I'm not, so I'm just insane instead.) and found myself in a whole different city, practically.
The generally yuppyish McKinney Avenue crowd that usually haunts the area had been summarily replaced by a huge herd of scratching, jawing rednecks, who talked while chewing with food stuck to their chins and wore hats advertising truck dealerships. 100%. Dead. Serious. I kept having the sneaking suspicion I'd died and been reincarnated as a moon pie.
And (see, there's a link, I promise) the driving and traffic aspects were the worst part. Upon first pulling into the notably small, but not quite full, parking lot, the people in the car right in front of me decided they had to have the parking space right next to the street, effectively blocking any other traffic wanting to enter said parking lot (myself included) until they'd finished their approximately 18 point turn to get situated for that one spot. After parking adjustment number 6 or so, I finally threw caution to the wind, zoomed behind the car before they could back up yet again, easily slid into one of the more accessible spots further back, and was walking into the building while aforementioned car was finally pulling into their cherished parking place. I hope they enjoyed their stay there, as it was hard-earned, for sure.
Worse still, as I was driving back home (my coleslaw craving having been fulfilled, but my moon pie anxiety freshly inspired), taking the leisurely way up McKinney Avenue instead of using the freeway, I encountered, first, a guy in a silver Volvo who, just as the light at McKinney and Blackburn Ave turned green, decided that it would be cool and exciting to turn left (without signaling of course — almost not requiring mention) from the far right lane across two other lanes of newly moving one-way traffic, and, second, at McKinney Ave and Knox, this cell-phone-preoccupied jackass in a Jetta (cf. warning sign) who turned left directly into my lane of oncoming one-way traffic. I thought I was going to die. Head-on collision, and I would have been wearing this joker's phone as a new face. Luckily, with a look of utter panic, he slammed on his brakes, and I wasn't moving too quickly to begin with, but then, instead of simply pulling into the parking place he'd half-swerved into already, waiting for the traffic to clear, and gracefully backing out and going the correct direction, he thought it would be more effective to weave a wide, rat-maze-like U-turn through the three lanes of disrupted oncoming traffic. I wasn't the only motorist watching this with mouth agape, I assure you.
At this point, you must be wondering (as was I) what kind of parallel universe event was going on, but, thankfully, the mystery was solved when my friend Lee reminded me that it's UT/OU football game weekend (why they choose to host this in Dallas is beyond me), and he refused to risk driving "for blood nor money." I should have exercised the same forethought. Suddenly the onslaught of cud-chewing Okies made so much more sense, too.
The rest of my day's plans were altered to include only home-bound activities, so, after receiving a much-needed virtual AIM hug from a new and delightful female acquaintance lurking about the Matt world, proceeded to regain my happy disposition and upgrade the radio broadcast to the newly available 64k mp3pro CD Quality format, savoring said female conversation a bit, catching up with some other friends online, and taking breaks now and then to do laundry, to give the garden some attention, and more or less to avoid at all cost any Oklahomans, and a fair number of bad-driving, non-Dallas-familiar Austinians as well, of course.
* * *
additional info
Anyway, on a road trip from Dallas to Lubbock several years back, it occurred to me upon seeing one of these CHURCH signs that they're yellow. You may say that's obvious to any non-colorblind individual who views them, but I'd answer to think about that for just a moment, compared to signs for other similar establishments.
Hospital? Blue. It's sort of a one-of-a-kind sign, actually.
Park? Brown.
Historical marker? Brown.
Government office? Green.
Other building of interest? Green.
Just about any other building period? Green.
But no, unlike any of those, the churches share a bright yellow diamond warning sign with such messages as WATCH FOR WATER ON ROAD, and SLIPPERY WHEN WET, and CHILDREN CROSSING, and SIGNAL AHEAD. The concept is nearly as delightfully offensive as those punctuationally ambiguous signs which read SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY. Because, yeah, the quick ones are harder to hit unless you're trying, and no one wants to go down in the books for mowing down a retarded kid. ("Sir? It says here that you had a charge of manslaughter of a developmentally challenged child?" "Yeah, what can I say? I didn't see the SLOW CHILDREN AT PLAY sign and was driving too fast. That little retard must've bounced about 30 yards before his helmet got hung on the guardrail....")
Anyway, all poor-taste tangents aside and back to the CHURCH sign, it's kind of amusing to think of a little flagman shouting at cars, "Church ahead, folks! You might want to turn back if you're not secure in your faith! Watch for falling angels! Steep grade to hell ahead! Dead end road without Jesus!"
I figure the serious rationale for the sign is a warning to Sunday morning motorists that their pleasant traffic-free driving experience is about to suddenly change, and to slow down and watch for a crowd of sleepy churchgoers wandering around, but you never know, right? It could be a general open-ended lifestyle warning, take from it what you will — like, say your prayers, ditch your porn and booze, watch your cursing, and drive carefully.
* * *
For a visual aid to all this (and possibly to prove to everyone that I wasn't hallucinating when driving for hours under the hot Texas sun), I went searching on some comprehensive US roadsign websites for an example image of the CHURCH sign, and could find no such thing. Though I'm not ready to concede that it may be a sign from God (no pun intended), I did find another new favorite roadsign:
Yeah, where would we be without a JACKASS ON ROAD warning sign? You'd think these would be everywhere right? Unfortunately, only in Arizona, it turns out, can you actually find this propitious warning of donkeydom, so I guess the rest of us will just have to continue to stay on the lookout for meandering, non-turn-signaling drivers on cellphones, without any help from the powers that be.
* * *
Regardless of all that, the point I was originally hoping to get around to (man, I'm so going to hell for that retard joke — I'll need to figure out a way to make up for that), was that, when I left home this afternoon to satisfy a coleslaw craving I was having (Yes, it's weird. If I were a girl I might be pregnant, but I'm not, so I'm just insane instead.) and found myself in a whole different city, practically.
The generally yuppyish McKinney Avenue crowd that usually haunts the area had been summarily replaced by a huge herd of scratching, jawing rednecks, who talked while chewing with food stuck to their chins and wore hats advertising truck dealerships. 100%. Dead. Serious. I kept having the sneaking suspicion I'd died and been reincarnated as a moon pie.
And (see, there's a link, I promise) the driving and traffic aspects were the worst part. Upon first pulling into the notably small, but not quite full, parking lot, the people in the car right in front of me decided they had to have the parking space right next to the street, effectively blocking any other traffic wanting to enter said parking lot (myself included) until they'd finished their approximately 18 point turn to get situated for that one spot. After parking adjustment number 6 or so, I finally threw caution to the wind, zoomed behind the car before they could back up yet again, easily slid into one of the more accessible spots further back, and was walking into the building while aforementioned car was finally pulling into their cherished parking place. I hope they enjoyed their stay there, as it was hard-earned, for sure.
Worse still, as I was driving back home (my coleslaw craving having been fulfilled, but my moon pie anxiety freshly inspired), taking the leisurely way up McKinney Avenue instead of using the freeway, I encountered, first, a guy in a silver Volvo who, just as the light at McKinney and Blackburn Ave turned green, decided that it would be cool and exciting to turn left (without signaling of course — almost not requiring mention) from the far right lane across two other lanes of newly moving one-way traffic, and, second, at McKinney Ave and Knox, this cell-phone-preoccupied jackass in a Jetta (cf. warning sign) who turned left directly into my lane of oncoming one-way traffic. I thought I was going to die. Head-on collision, and I would have been wearing this joker's phone as a new face. Luckily, with a look of utter panic, he slammed on his brakes, and I wasn't moving too quickly to begin with, but then, instead of simply pulling into the parking place he'd half-swerved into already, waiting for the traffic to clear, and gracefully backing out and going the correct direction, he thought it would be more effective to weave a wide, rat-maze-like U-turn through the three lanes of disrupted oncoming traffic. I wasn't the only motorist watching this with mouth agape, I assure you.
At this point, you must be wondering (as was I) what kind of parallel universe event was going on, but, thankfully, the mystery was solved when my friend Lee reminded me that it's UT/OU football game weekend (why they choose to host this in Dallas is beyond me), and he refused to risk driving "for blood nor money." I should have exercised the same forethought. Suddenly the onslaught of cud-chewing Okies made so much more sense, too.
The rest of my day's plans were altered to include only home-bound activities, so, after receiving a much-needed virtual AIM hug from a new and delightful female acquaintance lurking about the Matt world, proceeded to regain my happy disposition and upgrade the radio broadcast to the newly available 64k mp3pro CD Quality format, savoring said female conversation a bit, catching up with some other friends online, and taking breaks now and then to do laundry, to give the garden some attention, and more or less to avoid at all cost any Oklahomans, and a fair number of bad-driving, non-Dallas-familiar Austinians as well, of course.
* * *
additional info