Sweet Home Al_berta
In the spirit of a preliminary report nearly halfway through my stay in Edmonton:
Homeless people in Edmonton are damn frightening.
Seriously.
Okay, look at it this way. . . .
Vancouver Homeless Guy — Hair looks a bit mangy. Mutters to himself. Sways back and forth from a recent score of heroin, if he's standing at all. May have a crackwhore girlfriend in a dirty white miniskirt who's flashing her privates at passing cars. Either of them might take some spare change from an unwatched car, but that's about as far as it goes. A little shocking to look at overall, but mostly harmless.
Edmonton Homeless Guy — First nations guy. Looks pretty clean and sharp for the most part, except for the dingy clothes. Like most of his friends, has some interesting tribal tattoos. Stands on the corner quietly smoking a cigarette. Until you walk by. "Hey buddy! Hey man, got some cash?" At which point, whether you ignore him or not, whether you say "No" or not, breaks into a brisk jog and follows you for a full two or three blocks until you find someplace to duck into. Jesus.
As a Maktaaq tribute, I couldn't help drawing an immediate zombie comparison.
Vancouver = the original John Romero zombie homeless. Slow, twitchy, and really only get people who are stupid, too cocky, or just plain unconscious.
Edmonton = the new remade John Romero full-tilt-sprinting-and-screaming zombie homeless. "I'm just going to look at the door and see if there are any. . . . AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! WHOMP! [munch munch munch]," and you're what's for breakfast, buddy. Or you've had your pockets looted and now smell like a bathroom. Or both.
The best part was when this wide-eyed rural-Alberta tourist family of four, who had apparently decided to talk a walk around downtown just like I had, rounded a corner near the bus station just in time to watch a man and woman stumbling out of the adjoining bar and across 103 St, each of their arms around the other's shoulders because they didn't look sober enough to stand up otherwise, with the man propositioning the woman for an intimate evening. So to speak:
Man: You're so hot, bitch! It's time to fuck! [starts pulling the woman's shirt off in the middle of the street]
Woman: [laugh] I don't think it's that time!
Man: Where's your home then?
Woman: I don't fucking remember. I'm too drunk. And it's raining! Jesus.
Man: So? That's what I'm saying, bitch! You gonna stand outside and get rained on trying to find your fucking home? Or you gonna come nice inside with me and fuck?
Woman: Well, when you put it that way. . . . [her grip on him tightens as they reach the opposite curb] You better fuck me good though.
The ten-year-old girl looked up at her dad in desperation, with tear-filled eyes. He in turn gave his wife this "We're certainly not in Kansas anymore" look and covered his daughter's eyes and put his hand on his son's shoulder. They finally turned around and walked back the way they came. "Let's just get something to eat in our hotel," I heard the man mutter to his wife.
I just walked off thinking, "Man, where can I get a beer in this town and not get freaking mugged?"
Homeless people in Edmonton are damn frightening.
Seriously.
Okay, look at it this way. . . .
Vancouver Homeless Guy — Hair looks a bit mangy. Mutters to himself. Sways back and forth from a recent score of heroin, if he's standing at all. May have a crackwhore girlfriend in a dirty white miniskirt who's flashing her privates at passing cars. Either of them might take some spare change from an unwatched car, but that's about as far as it goes. A little shocking to look at overall, but mostly harmless.
Edmonton Homeless Guy — First nations guy. Looks pretty clean and sharp for the most part, except for the dingy clothes. Like most of his friends, has some interesting tribal tattoos. Stands on the corner quietly smoking a cigarette. Until you walk by. "Hey buddy! Hey man, got some cash?" At which point, whether you ignore him or not, whether you say "No" or not, breaks into a brisk jog and follows you for a full two or three blocks until you find someplace to duck into. Jesus.
As a Maktaaq tribute, I couldn't help drawing an immediate zombie comparison.
Vancouver = the original John Romero zombie homeless. Slow, twitchy, and really only get people who are stupid, too cocky, or just plain unconscious.
Edmonton = the new remade John Romero full-tilt-sprinting-and-screaming zombie homeless. "I'm just going to look at the door and see if there are any. . . . AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! WHOMP! [munch munch munch]," and you're what's for breakfast, buddy. Or you've had your pockets looted and now smell like a bathroom. Or both.
The best part was when this wide-eyed rural-Alberta tourist family of four, who had apparently decided to talk a walk around downtown just like I had, rounded a corner near the bus station just in time to watch a man and woman stumbling out of the adjoining bar and across 103 St, each of their arms around the other's shoulders because they didn't look sober enough to stand up otherwise, with the man propositioning the woman for an intimate evening. So to speak:
Man: You're so hot, bitch! It's time to fuck! [starts pulling the woman's shirt off in the middle of the street]
Woman: [laugh] I don't think it's that time!
Man: Where's your home then?
Woman: I don't fucking remember. I'm too drunk. And it's raining! Jesus.
Man: So? That's what I'm saying, bitch! You gonna stand outside and get rained on trying to find your fucking home? Or you gonna come nice inside with me and fuck?
Woman: Well, when you put it that way. . . . [her grip on him tightens as they reach the opposite curb] You better fuck me good though.
The ten-year-old girl looked up at her dad in desperation, with tear-filled eyes. He in turn gave his wife this "We're certainly not in Kansas anymore" look and covered his daughter's eyes and put his hand on his son's shoulder. They finally turned around and walked back the way they came. "Let's just get something to eat in our hotel," I heard the man mutter to his wife.
I just walked off thinking, "Man, where can I get a beer in this town and not get freaking mugged?"