Bite the Carrot
She: [picks through the the mixed vegetables in her dinner] I think the time has come to bite the carrot.
I: [takes on Spinal Tap-like interviewer demeanor] So, Oana, as the frontman for the band Hämster Genocyde, could you tell our readers a little bit of the story behind your band's new smash hit, the heavy metal anthem "Bite the Carrot?"
She: [assumes drug-addled metalhead accent] Well, we, like, the band and I, were like touring in Nevada, and, uh, ordered like, the vegetarian platter, because, like, um, since it was like the desert it was like the most expensive dish there, and there were these carrots and the drummer, he was, like, trying to . . . you know pick it up with a fork, but you know how carrots — you keep jabbing them and jabbing them and they just don't, like, go with it. So the guitarist finally, like, reached over and grabbed the fork from the drummer, yanked the carrot off the fork, and handed it to him, and said, "Fuck, man, just pick it up with your fingers, man. Just fucking bite the carrot." And then the rest was history.
I: Indeed it was. Indeed it was. So, you could say it's sort of like a post-modern commentary on seizing the moment, disregarding social conventions and prejudices, being unafraid of getting your hands dirty, and, just, well, sinking your teeth right down into the metaphorical root of all that life has to offer!
She: Uh, or, you know, that, or just you know, saying, "Fuck the Man, bite the carrot!" Except, not in sort of the, like, well, homoerotic, or more, like, "Stick it to the Man, bite the," except, like, without any carrot sodomy implic- . . . uh, metaphorical root, like yeah, totally.
I: Outstanding. Thank you so much for this rare chance to enter the psyche of America's newest wunderkind metal band.
She: Right on.
I: [takes on Spinal Tap-like interviewer demeanor] So, Oana, as the frontman for the band Hämster Genocyde, could you tell our readers a little bit of the story behind your band's new smash hit, the heavy metal anthem "Bite the Carrot?"
She: [assumes drug-addled metalhead accent] Well, we, like, the band and I, were like touring in Nevada, and, uh, ordered like, the vegetarian platter, because, like, um, since it was like the desert it was like the most expensive dish there, and there were these carrots and the drummer, he was, like, trying to . . . you know pick it up with a fork, but you know how carrots — you keep jabbing them and jabbing them and they just don't, like, go with it. So the guitarist finally, like, reached over and grabbed the fork from the drummer, yanked the carrot off the fork, and handed it to him, and said, "Fuck, man, just pick it up with your fingers, man. Just fucking bite the carrot." And then the rest was history.
I: Indeed it was. Indeed it was. So, you could say it's sort of like a post-modern commentary on seizing the moment, disregarding social conventions and prejudices, being unafraid of getting your hands dirty, and, just, well, sinking your teeth right down into the metaphorical root of all that life has to offer!
She: Uh, or, you know, that, or just you know, saying, "Fuck the Man, bite the carrot!" Except, not in sort of the, like, well, homoerotic, or more, like, "Stick it to the Man, bite the," except, like, without any carrot sodomy implic- . . . uh, metaphorical root, like yeah, totally.
I: Outstanding. Thank you so much for this rare chance to enter the psyche of America's newest wunderkind metal band.
She: Right on.