Earls Club! Cactustones! Mile Spot!
David and I were talking about the relative interchangeability of major chain restaurants. He joked that a fun experiment would be to swap the Milestones and Cactus Club signage on Robson Street during the dead of the night, and see how long it took anyone to notice. From this conversation came the challenge: Create the perfect menu to save these guys the time of having to maintain separate ones.
Earlstone's ClubWelcome to Earlstone's Club! Vancouver's premier One-of-a-Kind* dining destination!
* One-of-a-Kind is a registered trademark of Earlstone's Club Restaurants Canada and its subsidiaries. Although the One-of-a-Kind logo and trademark are a symbol of the consistent quality and menu expectations our customers have of Earlstone's Club dining establishments, One-of-a-Kind implies no guarantee of actual uniqueness or demonstrable innovation of our restaurants' menu items, decor, or service style.
Appies!. . . often imitated, but never duplicated, our appetizerss are different because we took the time to give them a cutesy grade one nickname, and that makes all the difference!
Signature Coconut Shrimp Thing!We took shrimp to the next level by coating them in coconut flakes! Never again will you see our competitors' ads for these and confuse our waitstaff by ordering them here!
Signature Dry Rib Thing!Chewy chunks of the meat we had to trim off the steaks before they were fit to serve, we dust them with our own Chinese Five Spice blend, and cook them until they're unrecognizeable.
Signature Calamari Thing!It may look like same frozen calamari rings you see everywhere else, but our signature dipping sauce is made of an exotic blend of Thai fish sauce and mayonnaise, for a flavour sensation that's all its own!
Traditional Chicken Strips and Fries Thing!Why is this appy served with fries, while non of the others are? We're not even sure ourselves, but if we left them off, you might think we're inferior to all the other restaurants who serve chicken strips this way. Proof of our commitment to service excellence!
Signature Fiery Hot Wings!But no worries — not too fiery! But still exciting! Well, just exciting enough. At least they're made either with our own signature Frank's brand hot sauce or our signature Wing-Time brand garlic sauce.
Traditional Nachos!If we told you what we actually put on ours, you'd miss out on the fun of picking off the weird sundried tomato or pickled pepper things we choose to sprinkle on at the last minute.
Monolith of SharingAbsolutely all of our appies*, plus some we don't even serve here, piled on top of a crystal chandelier and precariously balanced on your table for the enjoyment of you and all your friends. Why settle for just one item when you can have them all! (*Excludes Signature Coconut Shrimp Thing, Signature Dry Rib Thing, and Signature Calamari Thing. Add any of these for $7.99 apiece.)
Signature Callipygic Caesar Salad!For those wanting to dine on the lighter side, we offer the Earlstone's Club signature Callipygic Caesar Salad! Eating healthy doesn't mean eating dull. We take fresh iceberg lettuce, drench it in our famous heavy cream and butter Caesar dressing, add a full cup of genuine Manitoba parmesan cheese, and top with olive oil marinated croutons. Plus, as our special touch, we guarantee a chunk of Montreal bacon in every bite. Served with a side of olive oil butter garlic bread, with fresh creamery butter. Luscious!
Add grilled chicken breast for only $6.
Add two little flame-grilled prawns for only $9.
Traditional Pathetic House SaladWanting to add a little green to one of our otherwise vegetable-free entrees? Try our small house salad, served in a Earlstone's Club signature shot glass.
Signature Salmon on a Shingle!Don't settle for cedar, apple, or alder, like the other guys. Only Earlstone's Club uses genuine Western Hemlock planks!
Signature Chicken with a Fruity SauceNo one's chicken in a fruity sauce beats Earlstone's club Signature Chicken with a Fruity Sauce!
Signature Asian Fusion Medly Thing!Our team of internationally-trained chefs created this masterwork to bring some excitement to your dinner. Guaranteed not to actually contain any weird Asian ingredients like fish whose names you've never heard of or fruit with hair on it. But it tastes exotically gingery!
Signature Ontario Cut AA Alberta Beef New York Strip with Montreal Rub!Served with a lone spear of asparagus. Add any side for $7.99. And don't ask us what Ontario-cut actually means — it's a trade secret.
Traditional Cheeseburger for Two!24oz of Grade A Alberta Ground Chuck on a handmade three grain bun, with smoked gouda cheese, leaf lettuce, sliced roma tomatoes guaranteed to be so fresh they'll slide out into your lap, fresh green pickle slices, guacamole, roasted red peppers, olive tapenade, crispy fried onion strips, sour cream, sauerkraut, dijon mustard, herb mayonnaise, and Earlstone's Club Signature tomato ketchup. Served with fries.
Add house salad for $4.99. Substitute salad instead of fries for $4.99. Substitute any other side for $4.99. Heck, just don't get picky at all or we'll charge you $4.99. Capisce?
Pasta Thing!The cheapest item on the menu, if you're with a stingy date. Pasta with a genuine Italian name, served without much sauce, on a plate the size of your table. Served with fresh grated cheese. We'd rather you didn't order this one at all, actually.
Desserts!Our chef's daily selection which always seems to include Creme Brulee, a Cheesecake Thing, a Chocolate Cake Thing, a Carrot Cake, and some kind of unusual Asian-themed ice cream.
Drinks!Earlstone's Club Signature Bellini — We invented it here!*
Earlstone's Club Signature Bloody Caesar — We invented it here!*
Earlstone's Club Signature Custom Martinis — Just don't ask if we can make one out of gin and vermouth, because we'll look at you like we've never heard of that before.
A selection of beers and wines — Ask your server, who is required to tell you all of them are equally good and forbidden from giving you any discriminating information which might aid you in choosing one you'll actually like.
* By "invented" we offer no guarantees that someone in Europe, the US, or elsewhere in Canada didn't serve a drink with the same name and ingredients decades before we ever did, but they did neglect to serve it in an Earlstone's Club Signature Martinellini Glass, yours to take home for only $18.99.
** We are committed to serving you. If there's anything at all missing from our menu which you've enjoyed at one of our competitors' establishments, let your server know, and we'll make sure we've shamelessly copied them as soon as the very next time you walk through our door.