The Whole Enchilada
During a conversation at the Vancouver blogger meetup tonight, the topic of my Texan childhood came up.
"You don't sound very Texan," someone commented, to which my wife responded, "You should ask him about some Texas sayings." This prompted a long discussion on the colorful nature of Texan figures of speech.
Sadly, I've forgotten a lot of the things my grandfather used to say, and he had some of the most colorful language of anyone I've ever known, but between the ones I do remember, and some sayings I've heard elsewhere, I've still got a pretty good collection going.
Next time you see me, maybe you can talk me into reciting these for you with the proper drawl. In the meantime, your imagination will have to suffice.
Anyway, if you ever have to deal with a native Texan, here are some phrases you should know:
"Slicker'n snot." Or "slicker'n snot on a doorknob." Or sometimes "slicker'n snot on a fencepost," or even "slicker'n snot on a fencepost in July." — This can mean either really sneaky or manipulative, or really cool. "Man, that new-fangled iPhone whosit you got thar is slicker'n snot, I tell you what." It also might be "slick as a whistle." But maybe not.
Be careful not to get on a Texan's bad side. "She fell out of the ugly tree." Or for someone exceptionally ugly, "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." People who are only somewhat ugly must have "got hit with an ugly stick." Old generation Texans are obsessed with comments about ugliness. Forget the friendly exterior, because as soon as you've turned your back, they're probably comparing you to some animal or other. "Ugly as a speckled hen." "Ugly as the south end of a northbound mule." "Uglier'n sin." "Uglier'n a dick on a dog." That's probably enough. You get the idea.
Then there's "dumber than a sack of rocks." "Dumber'n a box of hair." "Dumb as dirt." "So dumb he couldn't pour piss out of his boot if you wrote the instructions on the heel." "Dumb as a post." "So dumb he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn." "Dumb as a bag of hammers." "A day late and a dollar short." "He's studyin' to be a half-wit, and I'm afraid he ain't gonna make it." "Don't know his ass from a hole in the ground." Or maybe he's not all that dumb, but still "just fell off the turnip truck."
You could be "mean as a cur dog." I've gone my whole life without figuring out precisely what a cur dog is, exactly, but I know not to be that mean. "Lower'n a snake's belly" is a pretty mean, sneaky way to be, too.
Or you might just be "older than dirt." "Older than God's uncle." "Older'n Methuselah." "Older'n the bible." Or even "got a face looks like wore out two bodies."
Or maybe you're just annoying. "He's nuttier than squirrel shit." "She could talk the ears off a cornfield." "He'd drive a blind man crazy." (I was never sure why blind men were more immune to craziness, but who knows.)
Of course, if you're lucky enough not to be ugly, dumb, mean, or old, you might be "fine as hair on a toad." Or "tough as a boot." "Prettier'n a blue-nosed mule." Or even "cute as a bug." Never understood why bugs are cute, but when it comes to compliments, "don't look a gift horse in the mouth," right?
Texans like to talk about the weather. Especially the heat. "Boy was sweatin' like a pig." "Girl was sweatin' like a whore in church." The advantage of most heat sayings is that they can equally be applied to a really attractive woman. "Hotter'n a two dollar whore on the fourth of July." "Hotter'n a gopher in a wool sock." "Hot as the hinges of hell." "Hotter'n a cow's ass in a pepper patch." "She's so hot you could fry an egg on'er ass." Whether it's the weather or the female scenery, you'll be hard pressed to get an answer in degrees.
Speaking of weather, contrary to popular belief it does get really cold in parts of Texas, too. "Colder'n a witch's tit." Or worse, "colder'n a witch's tit in a brass bra." "So cold the dogs done froze to the hydrants."
They have some nice ways to express the good times in life. "Happier'n a pig in shit." "Happy as a dog with two peters." "Ridin' high on the hog." "Pleased as punch." "Happy as a gopher in dirt." "Ridin' the gravy train." "Runnin' with the big dogs." "Ridin' two to the mule." And if you're in any of these states, you can shout, "Well, slap my ass!" "Kiss my breeches!" or "Kiss my grits!"
Texans are even more creative even when they're in a tough spot. "I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt." "My ass is in the fryin' pan, I tell you what." "Don't have a pot to piss in." "Busier'n a one-legged man in an ass-kickin' contest." "Runnin' like a chicken with its head cut off." "Got a burr under my saddle." "Got a hitch in my gitalong." "I feel like I've been playin' leapfrog with a unicorn." "Boy, that really chaps my hide." "I've been rode hard and hung up wet." "We're goin' to hell in a handbasket!" And my personal favorite, "I'm busier'n a cat buryin' shit on a marble floor."
Of course, if a Texan asks you to do something, you'd better get on that "like white on rice," "like buzzards on a meatwagon," "like ugly on an ape," "like stink on a polecat," "like gravy on biscuits," or "like a duck on a junebug." Otherwise, he might declare you "about as useful as hip pockets on a hog," or "as useless as tits on a boar," or that you "don't amount to a hill of beans." Or at best "slower'n molasses," or "so damn slow the dead lice are fallin' off ya."
Never turn a deaf ear on good Texan advice, either. "Just 'cause a chicken got wings don't mean it kin fly." "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." "You kin put yer boots in the oven but that don't make 'em biscuits." And my personal favorite, "Don't squat with yer spurs on."
And as a last ditch measure, if you have no idea what your Texan buddy is talking about, just shake your head and declare, "That dog don't hunt."
If you're lucky, after a long pause, you'll get the requisite, "I reckon yer right."
To which you should stare at your boots, and say, "Yep."
* * *
To wrap this up, I think I should probably tell my favorite cowboy joke.
A city slicker wandered into a dusty, two-horse West Texas town. As he walked up to the saloon, he saw an old cowboy, looking tough as nails. The cowboy swung himself off his horse, tied the horse to the hitchin' post, and then walked around the back of the horse, lifted up its tail, and kissed it right on the tuchus.
Not long afterward, the old cowboy came walking back out of the saloon, circled round to the back of the horse, lifted up its tail, and kissed the horse's ass again.
The city slicker could no longer contain himself. "Exc. . . Excuse me, mister?"
The cowboy turned his head and squinted at the outsider.
"I couldn't help notice, well, you kissing your horse on it's, well, you know, I mean. . . ."
The cowboy spat on the dusty ground, squinted back at the city slicker, and then grunted, "Lips 'r' chapped."
"Oh," replied the city slicker. After a pause he chimed back in. "Um, does that help?"
The cowboy stared at him for a long time, then answered, "No. But I shore don't lick 'em."
"You don't sound very Texan," someone commented, to which my wife responded, "You should ask him about some Texas sayings." This prompted a long discussion on the colorful nature of Texan figures of speech.
Sadly, I've forgotten a lot of the things my grandfather used to say, and he had some of the most colorful language of anyone I've ever known, but between the ones I do remember, and some sayings I've heard elsewhere, I've still got a pretty good collection going.
Next time you see me, maybe you can talk me into reciting these for you with the proper drawl. In the meantime, your imagination will have to suffice.
Anyway, if you ever have to deal with a native Texan, here are some phrases you should know:
And as a last ditch measure, if you have no idea what your Texan buddy is talking about, just shake your head and declare, "That dog don't hunt."
If you're lucky, after a long pause, you'll get the requisite, "I reckon yer right."
To which you should stare at your boots, and say, "Yep."
* * *
To wrap this up, I think I should probably tell my favorite cowboy joke.
A city slicker wandered into a dusty, two-horse West Texas town. As he walked up to the saloon, he saw an old cowboy, looking tough as nails. The cowboy swung himself off his horse, tied the horse to the hitchin' post, and then walked around the back of the horse, lifted up its tail, and kissed it right on the tuchus.
Not long afterward, the old cowboy came walking back out of the saloon, circled round to the back of the horse, lifted up its tail, and kissed the horse's ass again.
The city slicker could no longer contain himself. "Exc. . . Excuse me, mister?"
The cowboy turned his head and squinted at the outsider.
"I couldn't help notice, well, you kissing your horse on it's, well, you know, I mean. . . ."
The cowboy spat on the dusty ground, squinted back at the city slicker, and then grunted, "Lips 'r' chapped."
"Oh," replied the city slicker. After a pause he chimed back in. "Um, does that help?"
The cowboy stared at him for a long time, then answered, "No. But I shore don't lick 'em."